The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. —Johnny Carson

Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas Quotes: There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? —Conan O’Brien

Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas. —Kin Hubbard

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

—Kin Hubbard

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. —Victor Borge

2. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

—Victor Borge

Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you're home. —Carol Nelson

3. Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.

—Carol Nelson

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'Toys not included.' —Bernard Manning

4. I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’

—Bernard Manning

I hate the radio this time of year because they play 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that's just not enough. —Bridger Winegar

5. I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You‘ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.

—Bridger Winegar

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa? —Matt Groening

6. Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?

—Matt Groening

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? —Conan O'Brien

7. There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

—Conan O’Brien

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. —Garrison Keillor

8. A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

—Garrison Keillor

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. —Joan Rivers

9. The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

—Joan Rivers

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. —Andy Borowitz

10. Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

—Andy Borowitz

This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the other ones. —Guy Endore Kaiser

11. This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.

—Guy Endore Kaiser

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present. —Don Marquis

12. What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.

—Don Marquis

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. —Henny Youngman

13. I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.

—Henny Youngman

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. —Johnny Carson

14. The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

—Johnny Carson

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